Funny Observations of Tourists on the Sands of Myrtle Beach.

Well, I recently lived near the popular East Coast town of North Myrtle Beach in South Carolina and I would often go down to the beach itself and walk a few miles for the exercise and the fresh air.

So, whenever I could, I would walk on the beach "for my health", even though it would often irritate my arthritic joints.

Why, you might ask, If I hurt so bad, do I walk on the Beach?

Interestingly, I did a little research on the web, and found out that if you walk on a Sandy Beach, you burn twice the calories as you will on regular flat roads. Being the lazy person that I am, I prefer to hurt for half as long for the same amount of "burn".

One of the thing you begin to notice when you are exercising in public several days a week, regardless of what kind of exercise it is, you are definitely going to occasionally become bored.

It didn't take me long before I started a little game to entertain myself. I noticed that there are a lot of people who fall into certain, shall I say, "visual categories" of Beach going tourists.

So, as i took my walks, I began watching and guessing the WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHY about these strange people I would see each day when I walked.

The first day of my new game, I recorded my observations and my actual walk was just 2 miles up the beach and, of course, 2 miles back!

It was a sunny day and the tide was out.

It didn't take long before I saw that I could define quite a few categories of tourists right away and as I continued to walk on the beach over the next few months, I refined my categories.

Below are some of the categories I observed, from the one with the largest number of people to the smallest;

My top category includes these "beached whales" that are so prevalent on any beach. (I usually can pick out at least 30+ prime examples of these on any day)

These are the people who slather sunblock on themselves until they resemble some Bizarro-world version of a Body Builder.

Once they have finished their oil applications, they lie down on their five-dollar lounger that they picked up at the local Walmart and fall into an immediate Coma.

They snore, fart, scratch themselves, and occasionally roll into a different position, to continue their "fun vacation in the Sun".

Usually they will lie there, without moving, until their skin reaches a level of skin redness surpassed only by a new Soviet flag.

Or, if it's time to return to their Condo to eat.

I will notice at least 20+ instances of this category (including young couples and your miscellaneous Grandparents, friends, etc.)

There are so many Beach Parents who are daily endangering their children through stupidity

The reason that I call so many of the the people that I see on the Beach with Kids, Stupid, is because of how casual they are about the safety of their children, playing so near an Ocean.

These are not the parents who go to the water WITH their Kids to play, but rather they are the ones who set up their chairs at the Hightide line (so they will not have to move later if the Tide comes in).

They just plant their oversize, pale butts in their chairs, and casually watch their kids actually playing in the Surf.

I want to go over and ask them a question that stays in the back of my mind.

I want to ask them to check their watch, and time how many seconds it takes them to get out of their chair, and run to where their children are playing in the Ocean.

I have estimated this to be 10-20 seconds, minimum, depending on how fat they happen to be and how far away they are from the children..

I would then ask them to look out and estimate how far an undertow would have taken their child in that same period of time, or if, their kid just slips and goes underwater.

I want to ask but I don't!

These are type of Parents who think nothing of allowing their Kids play in the Surf, while they only occasionally glance over and watch the kids fall down, drop toys, hurt their feet on broken shells, and with some; just cry, cry cry, incessantly.

These parents are oblivious to how close they are to losing their kids to; the surf, undertow, or drowning. Oh Well!

These are the Stupid ones I notice, I am not talking about or implying that the the smart ones who actually are true guardians of their children while at the Ocean.

Where you have a hot sandy beach you have plenty of Young Bodies who are out there to impress the world with their looks

Depending on the season, there will always be a dozen or often more of these unique beach animals noticeable on my walks.(there will be some loners, but generally, for some unknown reason they seem to walk the Beach almost exlcusively in pairs??)

I really enjoy these Beach Tourists! They are generally the 16 to 28 year-olds (on average) who have spent the past year working out at their local gym, eating strange muscle building concoctions and lying in Tanning Beds, preparing for their 1-2 week beach vacation.

They punish themselves so much, for so long, just so they can walk slowly down the beach just to be looked at and admired.

We all did this, to some degree, in our younger years (or wanted to ??). Well, I believe in the old adage ..... Show it while you got it! Cause it don't last long! Or something like that.

The shame is that this category is shrinking each year and being replaced by the large people! You know, those purveyors of double cheeseburgers, super-sized fries and a half gallon of sugar filled soda.

Large Bodies on the Beach that can block the Sun, it seems.

In my relatively short walk, it seems that the number of people in this category is a growing phenomenon as I can always count on there being at least 10 or more wallowing on the sands.

First let me say that I have been overweight most of my life, and only recently lost a significant amount of weight (>50-lbs). I know what it's like to carry that load around, figuratively, socially, and physically.

But ...... what I see on the beach, in restaurants, in public and in general is becoming a scary trend.

Too many people are Overweight, no, OBESE, and it seems that the numbers are growing.

I'm not talking about just Fat.

I mean, Ladies, if someone can sit their can of Beer on your Ass and use it as a table, you are way too big for your own Health!.

And Guys, if you haven't seen your Penis in years without the use of a mirror, you need to consider some kind of diet.

And if your belly is so large and you have been pushing your belt down so far, that without a shirt, your pubic hair would stick out, you are overweight.

The Overweight and Obese singles and couples on the beach do stand out. Sorry but yes, they do! Everyone stands out, don't get me wrong.

But, there are only a few of the rare perfect bodies to be found on the beach; except maybe, for the children.

Everyone else is "sub-perfect" ????

You know, too tall, too short, head too big, Ass too big, bow-legged, short-legged, etc, etc, etc.

Sorry to say, but this category is growing every year (pardon the pun, again).

Single Parents on the Beach, taking care of their Kids, alone.

There will easily be five or six of these along the way as I take my beach walk

These guys are so much fun to watch. They are visibly cases of Misery in motion.

OK, some of them seem to be actually enjoying their kids, but it seems that after about an hour or so, they get that "strained look" in their eyes, and their smiles seem to grow more forced as time goes on.

Even though they probably have, or are, running off to Fish or Golf for several days with their buddies and this is their day for watching the kids, as payback, so the wife can go Shopping or whatever she wants to do, with her friends.

Payday has arrived! ....... Aint it Hell!

By around noon, with the crying kids, and the sunburn, and the heat; the look in their eyes starts to change into that look.

You know, the "Where is She?",

"How long does it take to shop at an Outlet Mall?",

"Wait until he/she gets back ..... I am going to make ....... her feel SO GUILTY !!!!!!" ........ look!

But, these guys can; round up 1-3 kids, grab beach chairs, umbrellas and beach toys, and literally sprint across the sand to their condo in 10 seconds flat when they get that "I'm Back!" cell phone call from Mom!

I love them! Been there and Done that!

Beer Drinkers enjoying the Beach

(at least 6 or more depending on the time of day)--

I love these people........Beer Drinkers!

You know, the serious guys who will Bitch at carrying a single bag of garbage out when they are at home, they are the same men that will make 3 trips or more, down to the beach with their daily supply of Beer and Snacks.

These trips are necessary to carry and set-up his;

over-sized umbrella,

2 coolers full of iced beer,

two extra-wide lounge chairs (looking out for the wife, you know),

a fold-up table,

a bag full of several salty snacks,

and 5+ towels to cover himself from the sun.

Then, once ensconced in his little private version of Heaven, he will only leave his chair throughout the whole day, to go waist high in the surf and Piss in the Ocean.

Be careful though, these guys also tend to accumulate in packs and their most recent trend is to set up large backyard patio tents on the beach.

Then you will see as many as a half dozen of them partying under these things.

And then there are the Rest.

Just miscellaneous groupings of other special character traits

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The Tanned Couple

(- 4) --You see them here, maybe three or four on a typical day, out there on the Beach, coming out just to parade their strange bodies.

The Darkly Tanned, older couple, walking down the beach determinedly, staring forward, as if heading to some special destination.

When, usually, they are just trying to be seen and admired as if they were the Young Bodies they had once been, years ago!

Hey, the Young Bodies have to go somewhere!

The attrition rate is high, from Skin Cancer, marriage, babies, and just old-age. These few have survived and deserve their continued march on the Sand, I guess!

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Moms Pushing Baby Carriages

(- 3). OK, I understand the young Mom, in her cool jogging suit pushing a baby carriage down a street for exercise. But, why didn't someone explain to her that those skinny tires just do not roll well on sand.

I will see two or three of these women, determinedly leaning at a 45-degree angle and trying to force a baby carriage through the varying densities of sand.

Basically, they just look Stupid! Take the poor baby and the carriage back up to the street and push it there, girl!

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Surf Fishermen-

These guys tend to be a subset of the Beer Drinkers and yep, there will always be at least a couple of them out there each day..

For some reason, they think that they are going to catch dozens of some kind of edible Fish for dinner. In actuality, they generally haven't caught anything when I pass by them, and I assume that is the norm for them.

They do tend to enjoy explaining their rigs and equipment to others and are often giving a lot of free info to other guys on how to Surf Fish.

There are some other miscellaneous beach characters wandering around on the beach but in smaller quantities. That's for another day!